When I was blind

You can’t explain be blind. See anything is not watch grey, white, or black. It’s just nothing to see.

Sometimes I think to see something

 

In 1983 I made this experience. It came during the night. When I woke up, and I noticed a kind of „blind spot“ on the right eye. It was very much hard to me to focus on the half-year  examinations. I had a lot of stress at the time. I felt trapped in a world that seemed not to be mine. I wanted freedom. I felt like an old man, who has his life vegetated useless. The tests were imminent. I should to learn. It was so hard to me.

Two weeks later I saw nothing more on the right eye. The left eye also began to weaken. I went to my doctor. What followed was a horror. In total I spent nine months in diverse medical centers, hospitals and diagnostic Centers. Tumor, nerve damage, eye damage and all sorts of other diseases were excluded. I got to know the effect and the side effects of different drugs. Nothing helped, right eye 5%, left eye 8% vision. I could not drive a car, not go alone for a walk, not cooking, not reading, not writing, not learning… My life went by in a tight space. My feeling of imprisonment became my reality.

When the fear subsided, came the reflection. Precisely, the woman who hemmed me so much, helped me. She read to me. I learned in a different way now. What happened to me at that time was cruel. I will not write about it, and I also don’t like to talk about this time. The realization that I not avoided good with me and other people is absolutely trivial. It was the combination of life events and me, who was not conducive to health. Who was to blame for this, doesn’t matter as always.

Six months later I could see again. I lost time, for 3 semesters were gone. When I finished my studies of electrical engineering, my first job was in a research department with the focus of clinical psychophysiology in a psychiatric facility. I separated me from my former wife. I separated me from many other things. Although I could see again – the blindness within my soul survived me. It should be still a long way, blindness is very stubborn.

Today, over 31 years later, especially on bright days, then I and think to be able to see again. A successful career with titles and achievements are still between my soul and the light. Sometimes I doubt, and I wonder if I really am. The pictures from my youth burn, remembering when I met with a bum in the Park to play chess with him. He has always won – the Professor, who had lost everything in life. He told me a lot. So feels my soul often. I wanted to do so much good thinks, be kind, be fair, be happy, help wherever I can, and seeing all the people around me laugh. I did this already as a child. Life is not so! Now, I must resign – finally.

To be blind is not explainable. Some people bear a burden. They see the darkness, and if it gets too much, they go blind. For a time they might have the luck of the darkness to escape by blindness. Their task is to seek the bright light and mediate it to other people. It is not important who or what you are, but how you behave in life, with all the challenges and sufferings. Those who see the dark, are also able to detect the brightness. A nice job – although not just a simple task. It is not important what others say about you, but how you deal with you, If you wrong happens. It is white God not simply… in our world.

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